Challenging Male Gender "Norms" | Fear of Masculine Sexuality

It’s 2017. I am in tears, sobbing because the security staff at the Alachua County Jail told me I wasn’t allowed into the establishment to see a friend of mine who was incarcerated there. Their reasoning? Because my dress wasn’t within the appropriate code guidelines. I was wearing a beautiful outfit because I was going on a date in downtown Gainesville after my jail visit, so I had on a low-cut black tanktop with a delicate mesh design and a cute, long-sleeved dress shirt covering my shoulders and back, with black business leggings and heeled boots. My violation? My collar bones and part of my chest were visible because my shirt did not cover EVERY centimeter of skin up to my neck.

The jail staff told me that in order to get into the establishment and spend 50 minutes with my friend, I would need to drive to a store, buy a non-revealing shirt, put that on, and re-enter the jail to use what was left of my visit time before my allotted 50 minutes were up. I was literally stunned.

I remember leaving the jail in tears and driving to the nearest Walmart Super Center I could find, purchasing a hideous, gray XXL men’s t-shirt, and crying more in the checkout line because I could feel my 50 minutes with my friend literally slipping away from me as I waiting for the attendants to very, very slowly checkout the customers in front of me. I even asked a man in line if he would let me checkout before him because I literally only had one item whereas he has a full cart, and he got genuinely offended that I would even suggest such a thing and rudely told me hell no. So I cried more and waited my turn. I bought the hideous t-shirt. I dawned it. I re-entered the jail. And I got to spend just under 20 minutes talking to my friend.

This rule was put into place at the Alachua County Jail under the basic premise that men cannot control their sexual desires if they should so much as glance at my collarbones and chest, so therefore I need to dress “respectably” and ensure that their desires are not stimulated - heaven forbid - by my tanktop. If we knew that men ARE capable of controlling their sexual urges, then my tanktop would have been warmly welcomed into the jail and no one would ever think to tell me my dress was inappropriate.

I see how much shame that I have around this event and around being told by society, authority, and others how I can dress and what I should/shouldn’t wear. How I should act, carry my body, express myself, and fulfill my personal desires. I see how incredibly sad, embarrassed, and hurt I felt from that experience. I never considered that I needed to police the way I dressed before visiting my friend in jail. That thought did not once cross my mind.

Men out there reading this - have you EVER had a humiliating experience like this? Have you EVER been told your outfit was too revealing, too sexy, too provocative? Have you EVER been taught that because of the clothes you were wearing and because of how healthy, fit, and toned your body is, you were basically ASKING to be taken advantage of, to be catcalled, to be groped, to be harassed?

And I see how with that conditioning, society made ME - as a woman - responsible for taming and controlling men’s desires toward me. As if by my wearing a tanktop, I am MAKING men “want” me. As if men are incapable of controlling their own minds, emotions, impulsivity, and actions. As if I need to take responsibility for THEIR wrong-doings, their actions, and their violence against my body and my spirit. As if MY BEAUTY is a THREAT to society and therefore deems me “rape-able” because of my pretty face, toned body, and my comfortable but sexy forms of dress so that I can feel my best, be confident in my skin, and feel like I can take on the world.

That is why I dress sexy.

Because I want to feel like I’ve got this, I can conquer the world, I can overcome any obstacle, and I can look AND feel superb in my body. I want to feel strong, healthy, gorgeous, confident, clean, organized, and radiant.

I DON’T need anyone’s attention. I am NOT inviting ANY men to look, gawk, or stare. I already know I’m gorgeous; I don’t need a stranger’s validation, approval, catcall, or eyeballs mentally devouring me to know that I’m beautiful. I believe men are thereby even more attracted to me because I don’t NEED their approval, which is a double-edged sword, but like I said, I know who I am and that's all the approval that matters to me.

But WHY do we, as a society, act like men are ignorant dogs just “following a scent” and trying to mate with every fertile female that crosses their path? Why do we categorize men’s desire into an “it’s just uncontrollable” category and then make WOMEN the ones responsible for “taming” their desires by being just sexy enough, but not TOO sexy? Men ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE of controlling and acting respectfully in terms of their sexual desires, thoughts, and stimulations. Men are NOT animals just following instinct; phrases like “boys will be boys”, “it’s just what guys do”, “you know men, they’re always trying to get laid”, and “men, they’re only interesting in one thing” are TOXIC, explosive, and detrimental phrases that completely lack in respect for men. Men are more than capable of being kind, respectful, professional, genuine, authentic, sexy, empathetic, flirtatious, courageous, strong, intelligent, trustworthy partners who are NOT ignorant, sex-controlled robots like broken societal gender norms deem “men” to be.

For almost a DECADE, I was terrified of men’s “uncontrollable” sexual energy. From being sexually abused by a boyfriend when I was a teenager to being sexually assaulted at a CouchSurfer’s apartment when I was living abroad in France, I was TAUGHT that if I had only acted and dressed differently, then I wouldn’t have been raped. The police officer in Dijon, France literally asked me what I was wearing at the time of the rape because he thought that was relevant information to processing my legal case. I told him “I was wearing pants and a v-neck t-shirt, but what does that have to do with anything I just told you?” And in response, he “strongly suggested” that I be mindful of the way I dress in future situations - including how low-cut my v-neck tees are - so as to not give someone “the wrong impression”. I felt like I was going to throw up. Here was a man, mansplaining to ME as to how I basically “asked” to get raped because of my neckline. But I am not afraid of men’s sexual energy anymore, because I see how WRONG those lessons were in teaching me about men.

And so I reiterate, once again - men ARE NOT SEX-ROBOTS devoid of brains, emotions, and basic SELF-CONTROL. They are intelligent, loving, protective warriors who genuinely want to spread joy and happiness to others in their lives. They were also “taught” the same BS ideas about their sexuality as I was taught by the French policeman who insinuated that I should dress wisely; men have been taught false and misleading ideas about their sexuality that carry them into a toxic culture of masculinity in the United States today.

Oh, and another major takeaway from this post? Clothing is NEVER an invitation for a touch, catcall, grope, derogatory comment, or assault. See, I could have arrived at that CouchSurfer’s house dripping wet with tanning oil, wearing a tight bikini and stripper heels and that STILL does not give him ANY authority or permission to lay a hand on my body. Sure, it will insinuate that I’m in a sexy, flirty, or playful mood if I show up to an event wearing that outfit instead of something different, like an evening gown or a business suit, which communicate more of a glamorous, elegant vibe than the tight bikini and stripper heels do. But no matter what she is wearing, you are NOT invited to lay a hand on her until you have her enthusiastic, excited, sober, consensual “yes!” Men, you’re smart. You know this. So ACT on it.

Our sex-negative culture in the United States - and especially the pathetically low expectations we have for our men to be respectful, kind, and patient instead of sex-hungry, uncontrollable, wild and slaves to their desires - perpetuates rape culture and lacks in respect for men’s true potential. Meeting so many incredible, compassionate, self-aware, and respectful men in my late 20s is what FINALLY allowed my perspectives on men to shift and my toxic gender norms to crumble and fall to my feet.

I assumed that all men would fulfill the negative, toxic stereotype I was raised into believing about men’s “uncontrollable” sexuality, but meeting people who DIDN'T align with that mentality completely proved me wrong, over and over again, until I decided to let that horribly constraining and judgmental myth go. After decades of being taught that I am responsible for “taming” the “uncontrollable sexual desires” of men, I was finally LET GO. And this is how I gradually came to learn that the way we approach men’s sexuality and masculinity in the United States of America is absolute nonsense.

After all the self-help books I had read, like Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”, that perpetuated the inaccurate ideas that men are sex-craving brutes that I need to tactfully manipulate into falling in love with me and “staying” committed, I can finally rest in my authentic self. And I am finally no longer afraid and trying to CONTROL men’s sexual impulses in order to feel safe and reduce my probability of being harmed or assaulted - I live from my integrity and I respect all parts of myself, inside and out.